And now, I mourn

Four days, I will fast, wear rags, and maintain minimal human contact.

One of my cats has died.

On Monday, I shall resume bathing and clean the apartment, as is tradition.


Blog has moved!

Looks like comments, but not likes and in-site messages, all transferred, as they should.

A lot has changed on in the last eight years (apparently the last time I had this blog on, not a mere five years), so I’m still trying to figure it all out.  I’m hoping to have this blog Premium by February 2017, and the DH account closed, cos I just can’t accord it, anymore; at least not until my shop on Artfire picks back up.  To a lot of people, the $10/month is “only $10,” but for me, it’s cat food, or eating lunch out more than two or three times a month.

There’s a reason….

I’ve taken an apparent hiatus from the blogging because a lot of shit has been going wrong. As overjoyed as I a that my name is now legal and I’m on my way to finally getting my hysterectomy and vaginectomy surgery, a lot of other shit has been going wrong, like a harddrive imploding and needing cleanroom recovery (which I still haven’t the money for), and now the other one I’ve been using to hold music so that I can do my job as a goth DJ just succumbed to the previously-minor corruption I knew was already an issue with that external drive. As if that’s not enough, I’ve been really lonely, and all friends and “friends” alike really have to offer is contrived platitudes and a really insidious blame-game and ineffable failure to acknowledge that they’ve actually played a part in this — because, you know, fuck me and other disabled people who can’t do everything they can do, maybe we should all just stop being lonely and trying to burden others with expressing how they’ve hurt us?

None of this helps the fact that there are people in the polytheist blogosphere who that I like and whose intelligence respect fighting. It’s not helped by the fact that any logical look at all this shit reveals some people are forming sketchy alliances, at best, and others aren’t exactly helping their cases where they’re actually factually correct, to say the least, by refusing to counter allegations with facts, much less answering genuine questions about things they’ve said that could actually benefit for a modicum of clarification for those of us who are either new to these concepts or who just don’t “get it” on our own due to differences in basics of neurology making it so that we literally don’t think in the same ways.

I know I’m pretty damned far from a “big name pagan”, but I’ve actually had a few articles that I’ve posted to this blog cited widely enough on other blogs, including The Wild Hunt and a Patheos site or two, that I feel I should say something, but I can see where certain people on each side are coming from, in spite of what are actually very strong opinions and beliefs — but unfortunately, I’m in a position where my theology sees things one way, meaning I do identify with One Particular Camp rather strongly, and my politics sees a distinct and independent way, meaning that I also identify with Another Particular Camp just as strongly, but somehow I’m able to reconcile this internally, in spite of centuries of Western thought saying I should be conditioned to Pick A Side. I just can’t do that, because it’s just not how my brain functions; it is literally an impossible feat, for me, no matter how often I see someone who I love dearly (whether they’re fully aware of it or not), saying that they can’t trust those of us who can’t take a side.

Then there are Those People, as it’s been said in some corners, who are saying things and at least online-behaving in ways that remind me of Tim Alexander — remember him? That bozo who wanted people to believe that he was so “committed” to Hellenism that he churned out three books in less than eighteen months (at least one of which was about two-thirds appendix of public domain translations of Primary Source), filled three fora he ran with Google AdSense to help supplement his Avon Lady income (though it was basically an open secret that his wife was the household breadwinner), ran a blog filled with attacking at least one of Those People for a good two years, and then literally Shut It All Down from the Internet after he decided to run for local office? Yes, Tim Alexander, who appointed himself King of All Hellenismos, and Ultimate Decider of Who Is and Is Not True Hellenist, who would literally look for any excuse to say that Our Favourite Pagan Pope was somehow just another Fluffy Neopagan (which was one of Timmy’s favourite four-letter-F-words) and Not Worthy of The Gods. I am seeing Timthink being mirrored, and paired with aforementioned sketchy associates, it makes me more sad than anything, really. It just breaks my heart to someone, who I know is better than that, pull this shit because of what I keep learning (often from people who are still his friends though all this) is ultimately personal reasons that initially had little to do with what has since been spun into some kind of holy war that, five years ago, when Tim was spinning shit the same ways, was just laughed off.

I just find it harder and harder to come on here and write anything, in spite of actually developing as a polytheist philosopher of Erotic Hedonism, because the online spaces that used to feel like a retreat from stress are just another stressor, and I’d rather throw out ebryonic ideas for post-series Three’s Company fan-fic to Facebook status updates, because Jack Tripper and Janet Wood are so fucking in love through the whole nine seasons that we can all see why Three’s a Crowd failed as deeply as it did. And Three’s Company was stupid as fuck, too — true, as any show that lasted as long as it did, it had some moments of being genuinely funny, and the casting was great and made it watchable, but when the stories I make up in my own head are more exciting than the stories on the screen, it’s not a great show; maybe good, cos at least the characters are developed enough to do that with, but definitely not great.

Don’t even get me started on how I’ve rekindled my love for Night Court — of course, I may actually have a bit to say on that, at a later date, cos especially the early seasons hit a lot of appallingly still-relevant social and philosophical issues a lot deeper than the general weirdness of that show might suggest.

I can’t say when I’ll be blogging here regularly, again, but since I’ve managed to post at least once every four to five weeks this last few months, and now I’m getting a lot of things off my chest, here, it can’t be too much longer before I’m at least posting something relevant weekly.

I’m just so saddened by so much of this. I want things to do well; I want people to, if not mend friendships, or even get along, to just accept that this is more personal vendetta than anything Truly Important, in spite all of everyone’s airs, and stop fighting. Even on my cocktail of seven daily anxiety medications, I’m feeling all of this so hard that I would rather retreat into vintage television and cartoons than reach out to co-religionists and potential co-religionists through a medium that once felt so liberating to do so through, because I just can deal with so much fighting and other toxicity, and I’m so close to wishing I’d never even subscribed to some email lists on Yahoo eleven years ago. I feel it so hard in my gut, I’ve barely been eating beyond Metamucil, protein shakes, and sporadically gorging myself on comfort foods.

That’s how bad it is. It’s hurting me, but I’ve sworn to Eros that I have to start teaching in almost eight years, we set a date and everything —19 February 2025— and so shutting myself off from other polytheists is not an option.

I really loathe ultimatums, but you can choose to either make things easier for me to keep active with my religious community, or you can make them harder. If you value my friendship, I think it should go without saying which choice I’d rather see you make, but whatever you choose, it’ll let me know how much time I’d like to spend talking with you or reading what you have to say. It’s really hard for me to take your words seriously when you say you like me, but you’re now continuing to do things that, at this point, you know are on the verge of giving me stress ulcers.

It was meant to be

A friend of mine is childfree. He doesn’t want children for a number of reasons, most important being, he doesn’t like them. He made the choice some years ago (well, at least a decade-plus, now) to have a vasectomy. He has several members of his family who are very fundamentalist Christian, and believe it’s everyone’s good Christian duty to procreate, at least enough to replace themselves; whilst he and I have no issue with this belief, in and of itself, as long as people don’t try and push it onto the unwilling, but we both believe that it is, to varying extents, irresponsible to bring more children in this world than necessary when the population is reaching critical mass — but this is a philosophical point that is, of course, another story for another time. When he’s been at reunions with his family, there’s always at least one person who tells him that he’s going against “[their] God’s will” by having had a vasectomy.

Now, my friend, let’s call him Bill (it’s a variant of his name, though he doesn’t go by that), went out to have his vasectomy, but there was a co-pay on his insurance of a couple hundred dollars. He had no issue paying this, but they were going to send him the bill later. His bill never arrived, but the late notice to pay it, with late fees, did, so he sent out the cheque. A month or two later, he noticed that his cheque never cashed, so he called the hospital to see if there was a problem. The person he’d talked to said that their records showed that he’d paid in full, on time, and was actually due a refund for overpayment.

This is relevant, because he brings up this story every time a wacky Christian family member decides to tell him his vasectomy is against “god’s plan” — clearly some god or another had decided that Bill was correct in his choice not to put any children on this world, and thus offered to reward him.

Now, I bring up Bill because when I first started transitioning — hell, even still, my primary income is Social Security Disability Income (SSDI), and he knows that pays just enough to keep a person off the streets — if one is lucky to get even that much. When I first started, while he’d known for years that this was a long time coming, his concern was for my finances, so I pointed out several facts about my own transition:

  • Prior my chest surgery, my bra size was 38K. Standing at 4’11” with measurements, at the time, at about 62-28-38, this made them roughly the size of my own head. Medicare covered this surgery under a loophole necessitating that it be billed as a “breast reduction” and performed by a surgeon willing to do FTM chest recon whilst billing this as the essentially identical (save for the amount of tissue removed, the basics of the procedures are identical), but covered, procedure. I paid nothing out-of-pocket. Not even for my nipple revision
  • For some reason, Medicare was covering my ‘mones before Medicare officially covered ANY trans procedures. I still don’t know how that happened, but getting a ten-dose vial approximately once every other month, since October of 2007, my Medicare D co-pay had been $1.20/vial, has totalled $64.80 — this has been over the course of nine year, and he first brought up this concern to be about three years ago, when it had cost me a total of $43.20.
  • Over the last two years, I’ve also discovered that while Michigan’s legal name-change would cost in the area of $350, out-of-pocket, being a disabled person whose primary income is SSDI, this is covered by the State, for certain qualifying reasons — including gender confirmation. While I technically still had to pay the fingerprinting fees, my lawyer, who is doing this as a pro-bono assignment, decided to reimburse me the $15 fee out of petty cash.
  • About two years ago, Medicare finally approved gender confirmation procedures. This means when I’m finally up on the waiting list for my hysterectomy and vaginectomy, this, too, will be covered, as well as any genital reconfiguration I may choose, after that.

To date, I haven’t even paid $75 for my transition, even during the six or seven years, in theory, nothing was being covered.

I then reminded Bill of his vasectomy, and how, due to hospital error (and potential Powers That Be), he actually got paid to get it done. Since my own transition was carefully documented on government forms, it’s unlikely anyone will be paying me my $65 back, with interest or whatnot, but still, clearly this is something that –even at a time it “shouldn’t have been covered– I paid almost nothing for it.

He conceded, suggesting, “well, you being [polytheist] and all, there’s clearly Someone out there Who wants you to do this, so I guess I stand corrected.”


With all the talk of TERFs making the rounds in the Pagan and Polytheist blogospheres, again, I just hoped to add a positive story.

May Hermaphroditos, and also The Great Mother and Her consort, Pan1, continue to see me through this.

1: This is Boeotian tradition, not appropriative appropriative revision of mythology.

Shop has moved again!

Apparently, StorEnvy only allows a maximum of 500 items per shop, which for someone who, in addition to two novels, half a dozen for-sale paintings, an e-calendar, also has over 900 button designs up for sale, is unacceptable.

The Nocturnal Spirits shop on Etsy, as well as my OddModOut button shop, is now CLOSED! This is because of complete nonsense that I’d contest if Etsy’s listing fees weren’t eating 30-50% of my profits every month, meaning i was planning on moving to a different site, anyway (my original plan was to wait to do it until after I’ve moved in a couple weeks, but oh well….)

On the good side, I’m on Artfire, now, and not only are they cheaper (a flat rate in tiers, based on shop size — ranging from Free for only 24 items in a shop to $60/month for 2500+/unlimited items — I’m currently at $40/month for 501-1000 items, whereas on Etsy, I was paying an average of $85/month), they’ve been absolute dolls to deal with, so far.

I’m also allowed more than ten Shop Sections/Categories, meaning I can not only categorise all my buttons, but also have categories for my writing, music, and art projects without needing to set up multiple shops. It’s pretty much an all-purpose e-Boutique for everything I do, and I plan on eventually branching out into jewellery, beaded items, kombolói, and more.

Where this is especially relevant, here, is that I just noticed that they allow Digital media items for sale, as well, meaning anyone waiting for the next edition of the New Boeotian Calendar will definitely have a place to go pick it up! Because I’ll be moving very soon, I’m going to postpone actually working on the new edition until after I have the computer set up at the new place, but if you were hoping for it, that’s what’s up with that!

Until the new New Boeotian Calendar is done, and since the year is almost over, I’m going to post the current calendar for $2 (or $1.70 for other Artfire patrons/sellers)!! (The new NBC will be at the regular price of $4.) If you still don’t have a copy, yet, and you want to check it out before getting the new one, now is the time! I’m able to update this thing in less than two weeks, at this point, so you’ve got maybe four weeks, tops, to get this!

Selling my Hekate painting.


I can’t afford not to, and I’ve been given permission to part with it.

I’m asking $50, or best offer. It’s one of my favourites I’ve done, arguably one of my best, I’d really like $75, but I can’t afford to expect that much.

If you can’t PayPal, let me know, I can set up a listing on my Etsy for my art.

The other paintings previously posted for sale are all still available, as well.

All money from paintings sold will go toward the new apartment. I really can’t afford otherwise.

Please feel free to share this with anyone you know who might be interested.

(and cos i get asked this a lot, yes, i based my Hekate in this off the famous green-eyed Afghan girl.)

If you can’t afford a painting but still want to help out, I’m always taking donations:


It’s housing season!

First off, I know I’m not obligated to update my readers with every new thing that happens. Especially as I’m at a point in the development of Erotic Hedonism where I’m seriously going through a lot of learning and less talking about what I’m learning.

…plus, I’m working on a personal bargain I’ve made with Eros, Nyx/Aphrodite Melainis, and a Titaness’ Daughter, which I’ve been told will work to my favour within a year, but it’s very personal, and I can’t say anything about t here until it’s gone through, and even then, the less said, the better (but I’m sure some of you who actually talk to me can figure out enough on your own that you probably don’t need me to say anything, really).

Basically, I’d say more of my spiritual developments if there was anything I *could* say. The stuff I’m surrently at liberty to share?

  • my soul is VERY old. In fact, it’s a generally accepted fact that there are currently more living people on Earth, now, than there have been in most (if not all) Centuries before the 20th combined. The Newage “indigo children are precious very super-rare New Souls” bullshit is bullshit on that premise, alone. (Plus, I have it on good authority from one in the know that the whole Newage interpretation of “indigo children” is a warping of something written by a woman with synesthesia, and originally had nothing to do with one’s aura/soul/etc…) I’ve been told there are very few souls left as old as mine. I’m not at all surprised by this, since I’ve been told since I was a chid, by people who have even the vaguest mystical bends, that I strike them as having “a very old soul”. Granted, once people find out I’m now in my thirties, I’ve been getting that a bit less, but I’ll chalk that up to ageism. In short, reincarnation exists. If you choose the path of Erotic Hedonism when I’m at a point to teach in 2024, this is not something that can be budged on; you have quite possibly lived a life before this one, and we have to go through this cycle, again and again, until we stop fucking up — what that is, is different for everyone, but is directly tied to forging a path of one’s pleasures and passions.
  • I cannot cut my hair that grows from my scalp. I’m allowed to get the dead ends trimmed around the Boeotian New Year, but that’s it. This is not necessarily related to Erotic Hedonism. This is a personal directive I’ve taken from Eros. I’ still not entirely sure why, but I have my suspicions. I also haven’t asked, but eh, I will when I feel like it.
  • My gender has not been wholly “male” since I was about 30. It’s obviously taken me some years to pull my thumb out of my arse, but oh well. For about the first thirty years of my life, at least the years of that I could articulate gender to myself and others, I had a male gender. An effeminate male gender, but that changed a few years ago. I have, this last few years, been androgynos; literally man-woman, or simultaneously both and in-between. Or as much of both as I can be from a male starting point. Pronouns are still “he, him, his” (but if I don’t feel like correcting people, I won’t; and there are certainly situations or people where other pronouns feel more appropriate), and I’m still on my FTM HRT with no intention of ending it, but at some point, I gotta get the facial and body hair stripped (if only for my own sanity).
  • oh yeah, and remember my second kitty? She’s doing well. (Including this as a spiritual update, because a friend who donated the adoption fee said they had a spiritual push to do something good for an animal with their extra money that week. I now have two cats that spirits threw at me).

But now for a BIG IMPORTANT:

I’m in a real time crunch to get the security deposit to sign my lease on the new apartment.

Why do i need a new apartment? Long story short, the roommate who sucks sniped this place out from under me, and the rest of us are getting kicked out in late August. I’ve already found a new place, with new roommate(s) (one intends to be temporary, which is fine). The new place is two blocks from this one, and actually even closer to the Ypsilanti bus station than this place. It’s smaller, but it’s got hell of character, and I really like it. And the property and building(s) it’s in is 19th Century. Seriously, there’s the main house, and I’m in the “carriage house”, where you’d park your fucking horse and carriage. It’s clearly older than a car garage. I’ll be in the carriage house with my friend Jay, but one catch:

We NEED the security deposit by FRIDAY, THE 15TH!

I know that this is not a lot of time, but between my cats and my Etsy business, I literally cannot afford to be homeless/couch surfing. If I have to put my shop on “vacation mode” for more than a few days, I’m at this point pretty much guaranteed to have only about 65% of the money I need to get through a month. That is how important it is for me to stay securely housed and keep my shop open.

Unfortunately, my roommate-to-be is not currently in the most stable situation, but he has a mostly-functional care, and a few decent job prospects this summer. He’s also a DJ and freelance photographer I’ve worked with before, BUT unless you’re DJing a goth club in, like, Los Angeles or at WGT or something, you’re not making much money; you’re barely keeping yourself in cigarettes or gum.

So I’ve started a GoFundMe to raise the necessary money for the security deposit and cover the GFM fees. PLEASE, donate whatever it is that you can, or at least spread the link!

And special for this blog, to get myself back in a blogging habit, if you are able to donate $5 or more, I will write a 1000+ word article on a topic of your choosing *or* another 28 lines of Brother Love and Sister Strife.

Let’s make this happen!