I’ve taken an apparent hiatus from the blogging because a lot of shit has been going wrong. As overjoyed as I a that my name is now legal and I’m on my way to finally getting my hysterectomy and vaginectomy surgery, a lot of other shit has been going wrong, like a harddrive imploding and needing cleanroom recovery (which I still haven’t the money for), and now the other one I’ve been using to hold music so that I can do my job as a goth DJ just succumbed to the previously-minor corruption I knew was already an issue with that external drive. As if that’s not enough, I’ve been really lonely, and all friends and “friends” alike really have to offer is contrived platitudes and a really insidious blame-game and ineffable failure to acknowledge that they’ve actually played a part in this — because, you know, fuck me and other disabled people who can’t do everything they can do, maybe we should all just stop being lonely and trying to burden others with expressing how they’ve hurt us?
None of this helps the fact that there are people in the polytheist blogosphere who that I like and whose intelligence respect fighting. It’s not helped by the fact that any logical look at all this shit reveals some people are forming sketchy alliances, at best, and others aren’t exactly helping their cases where they’re actually factually correct, to say the least, by refusing to counter allegations with facts, much less answering genuine questions about things they’ve said that could actually benefit for a modicum of clarification for those of us who are either new to these concepts or who just don’t “get it” on our own due to differences in basics of neurology making it so that we literally don’t think in the same ways.
I know I’m pretty damned far from a “big name pagan”, but I’ve actually had a few articles that I’ve posted to this blog cited widely enough on other blogs, including The Wild Hunt and a Patheos site or two, that I feel I should say something, but I can see where certain people on each side are coming from, in spite of what are actually very strong opinions and beliefs — but unfortunately, I’m in a position where my theology sees things one way, meaning I do identify with One Particular Camp rather strongly, and my politics sees a distinct and independent way, meaning that I also identify with Another Particular Camp just as strongly, but somehow I’m able to reconcile this internally, in spite of centuries of Western thought saying I should be conditioned to Pick A Side. I just can’t do that, because it’s just not how my brain functions; it is literally an impossible feat, for me, no matter how often I see someone who I love dearly (whether they’re fully aware of it or not), saying that they can’t trust those of us who can’t take a side.
Then there are Those People, as it’s been said in some corners, who are saying things and at least online-behaving in ways that remind me of Tim Alexander — remember him? That bozo who wanted people to believe that he was so “committed” to Hellenism that he churned out three books in less than eighteen months (at least one of which was about two-thirds appendix of public domain translations of Primary Source), filled three fora he ran with Google AdSense to help supplement his Avon Lady income (though it was basically an open secret that his wife was the household breadwinner), ran a blog filled with attacking at least one of Those People for a good two years, and then literally Shut It All Down from the Internet after he decided to run for local office? Yes, Tim Alexander, who appointed himself King of All Hellenismos, and Ultimate Decider of Who Is and Is Not True Hellenist, who would literally look for any excuse to say that Our Favourite Pagan Pope was somehow just another Fluffy Neopagan (which was one of Timmy’s favourite four-letter-F-words) and Not Worthy of The Gods. I am seeing Timthink being mirrored, and paired with aforementioned sketchy associates, it makes me more sad than anything, really. It just breaks my heart to someone, who I know is better than that, pull this shit because of what I keep learning (often from people who are still his friends though all this) is ultimately personal reasons that initially had little to do with what has since been spun into some kind of holy war that, five years ago, when Tim was spinning shit the same ways, was just laughed off.
I just find it harder and harder to come on here and write anything, in spite of actually developing as a polytheist philosopher of Erotic Hedonism, because the online spaces that used to feel like a retreat from stress are just another stressor, and I’d rather throw out ebryonic ideas for post-series Three’s Company fan-fic to Facebook status updates, because Jack Tripper and Janet Wood are so fucking in love through the whole nine seasons that we can all see why Three’s a Crowd failed as deeply as it did. And Three’s Company was stupid as fuck, too — true, as any show that lasted as long as it did, it had some moments of being genuinely funny, and the casting was great and made it watchable, but when the stories I make up in my own head are more exciting than the stories on the screen, it’s not a great show; maybe good, cos at least the characters are developed enough to do that with, but definitely not great.
Don’t even get me started on how I’ve rekindled my love for Night Court — of course, I may actually have a bit to say on that, at a later date, cos especially the early seasons hit a lot of appallingly still-relevant social and philosophical issues a lot deeper than the general weirdness of that show might suggest.
I can’t say when I’ll be blogging here regularly, again, but since I’ve managed to post at least once every four to five weeks this last few months, and now I’m getting a lot of things off my chest, here, it can’t be too much longer before I’m at least posting something relevant weekly.
I’m just so saddened by so much of this. I want things to do well; I want people to, if not mend friendships, or even get along, to just accept that this is more personal vendetta than anything Truly Important, in spite all of everyone’s airs, and stop fighting. Even on my cocktail of seven daily anxiety medications, I’m feeling all of this so hard that I would rather retreat into vintage television and cartoons than reach out to co-religionists and potential co-religionists through a medium that once felt so liberating to do so through, because I just can deal with so much fighting and other toxicity, and I’m so close to wishing I’d never even subscribed to some email lists on Yahoo eleven years ago. I feel it so hard in my gut, I’ve barely been eating beyond Metamucil, protein shakes, and sporadically gorging myself on comfort foods.
That’s how bad it is. It’s hurting me, but I’ve sworn to Eros that I have to start teaching in almost eight years, we set a date and everything —19 February 2025— and so shutting myself off from other polytheists is not an option.
I really loathe ultimatums, but you can choose to either make things easier for me to keep active with my religious community, or you can make them harder. If you value my friendship, I think it should go without saying which choice I’d rather see you make, but whatever you choose, it’ll let me know how much time I’d like to spend talking with you or reading what you have to say. It’s really hard for me to take your words seriously when you say you like me, but you’re now continuing to do things that, at this point, you know are on the verge of giving me stress ulcers.